Chances Lost and Gained
by stopwatch-plz
Summary: As one of the most accomplished students at the Academy, Hisagi Shuuhei is used to helping others where he can. However, when he is assigned his newest project with a certain first-year student, he starts to seriously re-cosider his commitment.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Chances lost and gained

Beta: The wonderful lj user="goat_dono"  
Rating: R

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Bleach - however, I do own many of the wrongs :D

Warnings/themes: m/m, angst, UST

Word Count: 13,749 in total

Summary: As one of the most accomplished students at the Academy, Hisagi Shuuhei is used to helping others where he can. However, when he is assigned his newest extra-curricular project with a certain first-year student, he starts to seriously re-think his commitment.

Abarai Renji is hotheaded, arrogant and seriously lacking in the kidō department – and that's without mentioning the Other Incident that happened in the real world.

As the two students start to spend more time together, it transpires that there is more to their relationship than first thought – but will they act on the opportunities, or will they become just another lost chance?

Chapter one – 4,262 words

…

"Abarai Renji, are you even listening to me?"

The voice of the teacher rang out in the kidō courtyard and around the walls, making it sound even louder than it was. Together, the other students in the group turned round to look at their classmate, whose face was almost the same shade of red as his hair, as he scuffed his feet on the ground and muttered to himself.

"What was that, Abarai?"

"I said, I am listening to you, Yamazaki-sensei!" Renji threw his head up defiantly and stared at the teacher, who sighed audibly.

"Then please tell me, Abarai, why you are unable to follow any directions I give you and continually fail to perform Shakkahō with any sense of direction or control?"

Renji's gaze faltered and dropped briefly to the floor, before rising back up to stare at the back wall. He took in a deep breath and tried not to roll his eyes. "I don't know, Yamazaki-sensei."

"Well, it seems that you are in need of some further coaching. I will assign you an extra-class teacher to help you grasp the workings of kidō more effectively so that you have a hope of passing the final-year exams next month. Please await further instructions from me," the teacher said, quite obviously relieved that he would be able to hand the underachiever over to someone else.

Suddenly, the bell rang loud and clear in the main building and the class moved almost as one. Pushing and shoving each other out the way of the exit, the noise grew as other students welcomed the end of the day.

"Man, he's really got it in for you!"

The voice made Renji turn around and he gave a half-smile as he saw his friend and classmate, Kira Izuru, walking towards him with a lopsided grin on his face. "Yeah, well…" Renji's face fell and he scowled slightly as they both made their way through the door to the outside.

Izuru laughed. "Well, we can't all be good at everything, and you wipe the floor with me in combat, so maybe this is my chance to shine above you!" He nudged Renji with an elbow. "C'mon, get that look off your face and let's get back to the dorm. Anything's better than hanging out here for longer than necessary!"

Renji shot his friend a grin and nodded. "Agree with you on that one," he said as they made their way outside the training ground. Hitching his bag onto his shoulder, he laughed as he glanced up at the clear sky and set off at a run.

"Last one to the dorm washes up for a week!"

…

Hisagi Shuuhei honestly enjoyed helping out other students at the Academy. It made him feel useful and worthy and he liked having the younger students look up to him. It did sometimes made him feel a bit awkward, as though people were staring at him, but generally, he enjoyed using his skills and talents to help others. He'd never had any problem taking the lead for a mission or offering back-up or just lending another pair of hands. Even after the recent incident in the real world where the party he was leading were attacked by a group of Hollow they hadn't expected, he still tried to believe it was his duty to help when he could

Which is why he found himself in the office of kidō teacher Yamazaki Satoru the next morning.

"Hisagi, you have shown yourself to be a worthy and dependable student of this Academy and, as such, I have a new project for you. There is a student in my class who is not fulfilling what I consider to be his potential, and I believe that a little extra tuition might be what he needs. I would like you to undertake an initial assessment of him, to be followed up by one or two sessions a week if necessary – all under my guidance, of course."

Shuuhei nodded, bowing slightly. "It would be an honor, Sensei, to help you, but why choose me? If it's not too forward…," he asked, hesitantly.

The teacher nodded, absently looking over the pile of papers on the desk in front of him. "Of course, of course. You are, as you are probably aware, one of my best senior level students. In addition, I believe you have had contact with the student recently – a boy by the name of Abarai Renji."

Shuuhei blinked. "Uh, Yamazaki-sensei…" he trailed off as the teacher waved a hand at him.

"I'm sure you will do fine, Hisagi. Please evaluate Abarai today, and report back to me this evening." An order, rather than a question, that couldn't be refused.

"Yes, Yamazaki-sensei!" Shuuhei bowed and turned to leave the room. As the door swung shut behind him, he leant against the wall and closed his eyes.

...

Shuuhei ducked in surprise as a burst of kidō shot past him into one of the decorative pillars to the side of the practice yard, which responded to the blast by exploding. He blinked and looked up at Renji, who had jumped back in shock himself and was looking back at his teacher awkwardly.

"Uh… I didn't mean to do that," he said, unnecessarily, and bit his lower lip.

Shuuhei raised an eyebrow. "Well, I would hope not Abarai; otherwise I would be holding you up against charges of wilfully destroying Academy property!" He saw the student's eyes widen and sighed. "It's ok, I'm not going to report you."

The relief on Renji's face was almost comical. "Thank you, Hisagi-senpai," and he bowed briefly.

Shuuhei rolled his eyes, making sure the other student didn't see him, and sighed. "Abarai, are you actually doing badly on purpose?" he asked in all seriousness as he walked over to where the other student was standing, and he was surprised to see a flush of red creep across Renji's face as he lowered his eyes and spoke through gritted teeth.

"No, Senpai." Renji hesitated, and then carried on quietly, his words bitter and angry. "I don't actually like to fail at anything, purposefully or not." He clenched his fists by his side, hating how frustrated he felt and glad that no one else was around during their session. It was humiliating enough that he had to go through all this, but having Hisagi as his teacher, after what they had gone through during their excursion in the real world, and how useless Renji had felt... Being shown up in front of someone he admired was not high on Renji's list of things to do.

"You are far too tense." Shuuhei said, frowning, as he watched Renji struggle to keep his frustration under control. Kidō wasn't something you could do without control and focus – both of which were obviously painfully absent in this case.

"Yeah, well… If I wasn't so bad at this, I wouldn't be tense," Renji shot back, angrily, then sighed. "I don't know why you're wasting your time." He went to pick up his bag and leave, too frustrated and angry to concentrate anymore.

"Do you think you won't get better?" Shuuhei said, as he walked over to Renji and grabbed his arm. "So you're going to run away and not try? I don't believe you're that kind of person."

Renji looked up into his tutor's eyes and swallowed nervously as they held their gaze. It felt as though they had been there forever, the silence heavy between them. After a moment, Renji swallowed loudly.

"Uh, Senpai… I, umm… I wanted to say, thank you." He pulled back and bowed his head in deference, eyes to the floor.

Shuuhei looked confused, as the tension was broken. "Thank you for what, Abarai?"

"For giving up your time for me, Senpai, and also… also, for that day." Renji replied, the words coming quickly, as though expressing gratitude was an alien concept.

Shuuhei gave a wry smile. "For someone as rebellious as you, you seem very wary of authority."

Renji looked up, surprised. He went to speak and then bit back the words that had been about to come out and they stood in silence for a few moments, Renji looking at the ground awkwardly.

"Why did you join the Academy, Renji?" Shuuhei asked, suddenly, aware it was quite a personal question but unable to stop himself from asking the student who seemed so at odds with the academic system as a whole.

"To become stronger. To protect those I care about." The answer came automatically. Renji thought of those in his past; the friends he lost in Rukongai, of Rukia... of all the things he had felt powerless to change in his life until now.

Shuuhei's voice suddenly broke into his thoughts. "Ah. Whatever you were thinking of there - that is your resolve. Hold onto it when you work, whatever you are doing, and you'll find your answer." He moved back behind Renji where he had been standing previously, out of the line of fire. "Shall we try one more time?"

Renji nodded, and braced himself. Breathing deeply, he focused on the target at the other end of the area and brought up an image in his mind of himself succeeding as he recited the incantation yet again.

For a moment, nothing happened, and he was convinced he'd done something wrong again. He was about to break his stance when he suddenly felt something pull from deep inside him and, before he could blink, a ball of red flame shot out from his hands and across the courtyard, hitting the target full-on before it exploded in a shower of sparks. He squinted at the target against the low afternoon sun. "Ha!" Renji shouted, grinning, and then remembered he wasn't alone. Affecting an air of indifference again, he turned to Shuuhei who was grinning himself.

"Well done – I only ducked slightly that time!" and laughed at the look Renji threw back at him. "I think we can leave it here – next time, we aim for three of those!"

Renji just sighed in return.

…

By the third session at the end of the week, Renji realized that he was actually starting to improve. Not by a great amount – the vast majority of the class could still beat him without thinking – but he could at least form a good number of his attempts and they tended to go where he wanted them. Mostly.

"Congratulations, Abarai!" Shuuhei smiled as the third consecutive Shakkahō hit its intended target.

Renji didn't try to hide his grin this time. Maybe he could achieve his goal, after all – not that he was likely to become any great kidō expert any time soon, but it was nice to know he was heading in at least the right direction. He had to admit that being taught by someone he'd already fought alongside, albeit rather unintentionally, also gave him a sense of respect and pride that he probably would've have had if he had been working with anyone else. As they both made their way to the exit, Renji cleared his throat.

"Uh, Senpai?" he asked, almost hesitantly. The tone of voice made Shuuhei look up from where he was, his hand just resting on the door to the outside area.

"Yes, Abarai?"

Renji looked a little awkward for a moment, and then looked up boldly. "Senpai, I was wondering if you would like to join us for a drink tonight." The words came out so quickly that Shuuhei had to take a moment to process the words. When he did, he hesitated. By the use of "us", he assumed that Renji meant that Kira and Hinamori would be there also. Not that he had anything against either of the other two students, but it would make it hard to avoid thinking about that which he had spent so long trying to ignore – though maybe it was time to face it and stop running. He had to admit, however, that the teaching sessions with Renji had given him something new to look forward to, and for the first time since that day, he had actually felt as though he had a purpose. That in itself was something valuable, and it would be nice to go out - and although he wasn't one to socialise often, surely it wouldn't be too bad to have just the one drink.

"Very well - thank you for your offer." Shuuhei smiled awkwardly in return, and Renji grinned back. "I'll meet you in the hall later."

…

After the second – or was it the third? – flask of saké, Shuuhei decided it really was time to leave. Hinamori had left them over an hour ago, citing a test in the morning that she still had to revise for, even though they all knew she'd pass it without even trying. Kira had met up with some of his other friends, who had joined them at their table, and Shuuhei had to admit that he'd had a much better evening than he expected.

The announcement of his departure brought forth calls and good-natured jeers, which he rebuffed gently with a smile. He stood up, stretched the kinks out of his cramped muscles and went to leave. He had just about reached the door when a voice came from behind him.

"Senpai?"

Shuuhei almost didn't hear it, the voice was so quiet. He glanced over his shoulder to see Renji, looking thoughtful, then lowered his hand and moved away from the door, wondering what was on his student's mind. "Abarai?"

Renji looked uncomfortable as his bit his lower lip and glanced away briefly. "Uhh, Senpai – could I walk back to the dormitories with you?"

Shuuhei looked at him curiously, and then shrugged. "If you'd like. But I thought you were staying with your friends." He inclined his head over to the table they had just left. "Won't they think you're a lightweight if you leave now?" he asked, with a small smile on his face.

He got a vague shrug in response. "Ah, I don't really care what that lot think of me. They're only interested in girls and saké anyways…"

"And you're not?" Hisagi asked, amused, as they made their way out into the cool night air, the sound of the continuing party dulling to a low noise as the door swung shut behind them.

Renji shivered involuntarily at the drop in temperature, and pulled his top around him as he spoke, "They're amongst my list of things I care about, but certainly not at the top." They made their way along the part back to the dormitories – the younger students shared a room, six or eight beds in one dorm, and the further up the school they got, the smaller a room they were given. All the final year private rooms were on the top floor, and all the first years were convinced that the private rooms were luxurious beyond imagination.

"Well, I suppose this is where we say good night!" Shuuhei said, and started to walk away towards the building. After a few steps, he realized that Renji wasn't moving and, instead, was standing still, staring off towards the building. "Abarai?"

Renji looked up. "Huh?" He blinked.

"Are you ok? You seem… distracted." As he said it, he realized that it was true – not just now, but for most of the evening, the younger student had seemed less exuberant than usual.

Renji shook his head. "I'm fine…," he said, again with a rather vacant tone to his voice, and Shuuhei spoke before really thinking about it.

"Would you like to come up?"

"Huh?" Renji looked back at his teacher. "Where?"

Shuuhei had to stop himself from blinking in surprise. He hadn't really meant to ask that – at least, he didn't think he had – but now it was out, he couldn't renege on it now. "Uhh, I meant… You look a little distracted, thought maybe it was to do with the lessons and maybe you wanted to talk?" The logic wasn't perfect, but it was good enough as an explanation. Not that he was expecting Renji to take him up on it anyways.

"Hey, cool. I get to see the senior's rooms!" Renji's usual grin was back on his face, and it took a few moments for Shuuhei to realize his offer had been accepted, so sure he'd been that it would've been refused. "Come on then – it's chilly out here!" Renji stamped his feet to demonstrate the fact.

"Uh, of course." Shuuhei shook his head slowly as he walked up to the main door to the rooms, and wondered what had gotten into him.

…

"So then, Kira managed to lose his footing on the floor, tripped over his own hakama and fell on his ass!" Renji threw his head back and laughed loudly as he slumped against the back of the futon, sake mug in one hand and the other holding onto the mattress for support.

Shuuhei smiled in response, leaning back against the back of the futon himself, and took a sip of his own drink. He wasn't drunk in the slightest, though he could tell by Renji's flushed face and chaotic speech that the younger student was definitely well on his way there. He felt a small stab of guilt that he shouldn't really be getting a younger student drunk, but he also realized that, for the first time in a long while, he was actually having fun. He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't notice Renji look at him strangely.

"Senpai?" Renji's voice broke through, and Shuuhei blinked.

"Uh, sorry..." he apologized, blushing slightly. It wasn't like him to be so rude, especially in company. He glanced out the window. "Umm, maybe it's time for you to get back to your dorm?" he said, hesitantly. Although there were no classes tomorrow, he thought that Renji would want to get back to his friends and out of the company of the older student who had been giving him extra lessons. He looked over at Renji, and saw him looking out the window himself.

"Uh, I thought… I mean, could I stay here tonight, Senpai?" Renji asked, as the words came out so fast that it took a moment for the other man to decipher them.

"Huh?" Shuuhei looked at Renji in surprise, and saw the younger student sitting on his knees on the futon, staring at the floor so hard that he was surprised it hadn't burst into flames under a gaze that strong, and his face almost the same color as his bright red hair. If he didn't know better, Shuuhei would've sworn the younger student was nervous.

Suddenly, Renji stood up. "I'm sorry, please, Senpai. Forget I said anything!" he bowed quickly, and all but ran across the small room to the door. As he reached out to open the door, he felt a hand close around his wrist, and he looked up in surprise into Shuuhei's face.

"What? Let me go!" Renji said, angrily, trying to turn out of the hold, which his captor blocked easily. After some resistance, he stopped trying to escape and instead stood facing Shuuhei, his head down, teeth clenched angrily as his hand was held captive. They stood in silence for a few moments, until Shuuhei reached out to place his hand underneath Renji's chin to tilt his head up so that they locked eyes.

"Talk to me, Renji," was all he said. "I know there's something in there trying to get out. You've been distracted all day. You can tell me, I'm your friend." As the words came out, he realized it was true; he really did like the crazy kid in front of him, and couldn't let him leave when there was obviously something so wrong.

Renji just scowled back in return. "Why? There's no point. I'm just being stupid. Again." He made no move to leave, though, and Shuuhei took this as an invitation.

"No point in what, Renji?" he asked, softly, as he let go of Renji's arm, trusting him not to run. As he'd hoped, Renji stood where he was, still breathing hard and his face flushed with effort, alcohol and…

And what?

Shuuhei realized his hand was still under Renji's chin, and he noticed that the redhead was leaning his head onto it, his eyes half-closed.

"I'm weak. I want to be strong, but I'm only weak." The words came out quiet and bitter and harsh, and Renji gave a short laugh. "Sorry, Senpai. I'm apologizing again," and he turned to leave again. Just as he reached out a hand towards the handle, Renji felt himself spun around and pushed against the door, and before he could say anything, he felt lips press against his, his mouth covered and the words he was going to say were swallowed.

Suddenly, Shuuhei pulled back and turned away, breathing hard, his face flushed and full of surprise at himself. It had been a long time – far too long – since he had done anything so reckless, and he felt a flash of guilt and embarrassment. "I-I'm sorry," he started, face flushed. "I'm sorry, I didn't… I mean… Please, you can go. I'm sorry."

Renji just stood there, staring, his face unreadable. "Did you mean that?" he asked, quietly, as they both stood in the room, the dim light from the solitary lantern on the table behind them casting flickering shadows across them.

"What does it matter? I apologize. I am sorry for my actions. If you want our classes to stop, I understand." Shuuhei couldn't look up, couldn't catch Renji's eyes. He had been stupid, so foolish and impatient, acting like a child rather than the man he had thought he was. He lowered his head in shame.

"Well, it's just… if you meant that, then I would do this," Renji stepped forwards, and grabbed a fistful of Shuuhei's top as he bent down to bring their mouths together, hard and awkwardly. They broke apart after a few moments, and Shuuhei looked up at Renji in surprise.

"Wha-?" Shuuhei started, but didn't quite manage to complete what he was trying to say before Renji broke in.

"Way I see it, you can either kick me out now or let me stay!" The grin was back on his face, albeit a little less confident than usual, and Renji slouched back against the wall affecting an air of indifference.

Shuuhei blinked, rooted to the spot with confusion. He knew he should say no, throw the kid out, and visit Yamazaki-sensei first thing tomorrow to tell him that the arrangement was off, that he couldn't do it anymore - but for some reason, he didn't.

Renji took the hesitation as acceptance, and pushed himself off the wall to step forward towards Shuuhei. Unfortunately, the momentum was stronger than either of them expected, and they staggered backwards a few steps until the back of Shuuhei's ankles caught the edge of the futon. He fell backwards onto the mattress, taking Renji with him, landing on his ass with a groan of pain before Renji ended up almost on top of him, legs straddling him so that he was all but sitting on Shuuhei's lap. They looked at each other, eyes connecting, and Shuuhei had just enough time to register how clear and bright Renji's eyes were before he felt him forwards and their mouths connected again. Shuuhei moaned involuntarily, and Renji responded as their bodies met. As they pulled apart, Shuuhei sucked in a breath and shook his head.

"We – I – can't do this!" he said, desperately, trying to keep a clear head as he felt Renji's hands wander down his chest between skin and material, fingers brushing over skin, and he sucked in a breath.

Renji just looked at him. "Says who?" He tweaked the sensitive flesh between his fingers and Shuuhei was embarrassed to hear the noise that came out of his mouth.

Why couldn't he just tell Renji to stop? Why couldn't they both see what a bad idea this was? His thoughts stopped suddenly as he realized where Renji's hand was going.

"No! Wait!" he almost shouted, as he tried to get up from underneath. Renji stopped, pulled back slightly and their eyes met. Shuuhei swallowed nervously. "I haven't… I mean, I don't… Just, not yet," he finally decided on, and Renji looked worried as he jerked backwards as though he'd been stung. The moment hung between them.

"I'm sorry," Renji said eventually, his voice low as he looked away. "Please don't report me. I'll leave now." Renji went to get up, and a strong hand clamped onto his arm. He looked at his arm in surprise, then down at his friend.

"Renji, you really are stupid sometimes." Shuuhei said, and smiled at the scowl he got in return. "It's not you – though for rights I should report you for something, but I'm at a bit of a loss as to what for. Willful seduction of an older student?" he laughed softly at Renji's attempt to refute it. "Anyway, it is late. Come on, I'm not going to kick you out now – I'm not that mean. Enjoy the 'luxury' of a senior room," he said, wryly, as he indicted the tidy but sparse room.

"Thank you, senpai," Renji said, almost submissively, as he stretched out on the mattress beside Shuuhei, who turned to pour some water from a nearby jug into the cup he had been using earlier. Turning back to the younger man, he smiled.

"Here – some water. And it's Shuuhei."

Renji smiled back in the dark, drained his cup almost empty, then lay down onto his side and was asleep almost instantly, snoring quietly. Shuuhei, however, stayed awake much longer, and spent most of the time staring at the sleeping form next to him wondering what the hell had just happened.


	2. Chapter 2

Shuuhei woke slowly. The late spring sunshine was pouring through his window, and he stretched lazily, as his brain kicked into gear - and then all but jumped upright as the memories came flooding back.

He looked beside him and saw that he was alone; not just in his bed, but in the room as well. Slightly worried, he got himself up and dressed, and made his way down to the main hall – although there were no set classes today, he regularly helped with extra homework sessions for the younger students. _Mostly without ending up in bed with them,_ a small voice said inside him, wryly. As he entered the hall, a number of students asking for help on various assignments met him, and Shuuhei was almost glad of the distraction as he sat down at a nearby table and started trying to make some order out of the chaos.

The day passed quickly, and before long, the light began to fade as the sun started its downward path. Shuuhei sighed audibly as the last student left the room, a mess of paper and ink, and he had just though of packing up his belongings when he heard someone call his name. Turning round, he smiled as he saw one of his classmates come towards him, waving a piece of paper at him.

"Kenchin-san," Shuuhei said, politely. He just got a leer in response.

"So formal, Shuuhei… are we not friends?" The tall student sat down next to him, reached up to smooth back his long, black hair and tied it off with a length of material. "What did you get up to last night, eh? We all went out without you. Don't tell me you got lucky!" he said as a joke.

Shuuhei tried to keep his face neutral as he gave a small laugh. "Don't be silly," he said, automatically, though he hesitated a little too long. Kenchin peered at his friend.

"Don't tell me you actually _did_ get laid? Jeez, the head of year brought down to our level!" The jibe was good-natured and Shuuhei shook his head and laughed in spite of himself, and he spoke as he continued putting his things away into his bag.

"I could never bring myself down to your level, Kenchin. I don't think I can reach that far," and he narrowly avoided an elbow to the ribs, though the blow hadn't been delivered with much seriousness.

His friend looked at him, mock sadness etched on his face. "Shuuhei-senpai doesn't like me anymore. I think I might cry." Shuuhei just rolled his eyes at his friend's melodrama. "Anyway, we're all off out tonight. Teijo has decided we need an evening of gambling and women, and who am I to disagree?" he said as he grinned.

Shuuhei shook his head. "Thank you for your kind offer, but I'm going to pass on it for tonight. It's been a long day, and I'm looking forward to just relaxing tonight. Have fun!" he said with a wave as he picked up his bag and set off back to his dorm and up the long flight of stairs to the top floor.

As the heavy door of his room swung shut behind him, he crossed the floor and dropped his bag onto his futon, which was in the same state as the night before. Shuuhei stood staring at the bed, a thoughtful look on his face, and then sighed. Turning round again before he could change his mind, he set off to meet up with Kenchin and the others.

…

Shuuhei sat in the corner of the room surrounded by his classmates and feeling very out of place. He fiddled nervously with his saké mug, not really drinking the contents but having it more for show. He didn't really get drunk often – at least, not now. The first few days after the Hollow incident had been a bit of a blur as he tried to deal with what had happened, and he realized that the only outcome of that had been some very unpleasant mornings and a few missing memories. Definitely not worth it, he'd concluded.

He was about to give up the evening as a bad job, when he heard a commotion by the front door, and a group of younger students came in – half a dozen or so, talking and jostling amongst themselves. They were in high spirits, as most of the younger ones tended to be, and Shuuhei found himself watching them with no little feeling of envy for their seemingly carefree manner when he suddenly realized that Renji was part of the group.

Shuuhei slid back into the shadows as he watched Renji interact with his friends. A small voice in the back of his head said something about _stalking_ and _inappropriate_, but he rather uncharacteristically ignored it and carried on. He saw Renji sit down between two very pretty girls that could've been twins and watched as Renji flirted and drank between them, throwing out comments and compliments. The two girls blushed and giggled self-consciously, and Shuuhei realized suddenly that he had balled his hands into fists, his fingers almost cramping from it.

With a start he decided he had to get out of there, as quickly as possible and without anyone noticing. He waited until another girl distracted Renji across the table from him, and took his chance. With a quick nod to his classmates, he said goodnight and all but ran out the door into the welcoming night. As he got outside, he moved to the side of the building and leant against the wall, closing his eyes as he took a deep breath.

"You were going to leave without saying hi? That's just rude."

Shuuhei opened his eyes, and groaned inwardly. Renji was standing in front of him, arms crossed over his chest, with the ever-present grin on his face and his eyes clearly showing how much alcohol he'd drunk so far.

"I didn't want to disturb you." The lie slid easily off his tongue and he was immediately ashamed. He didn't usually lie to anyone, especially to people he actually liked. Then again, he didn't usually hide in corners stalking younger students, so who knew what else he was going to do.

Renji just looked at him. "Really."

It felt as though Renji's eyes were actually boring holes through him. Damn, but he didn't have _time_ for this – he just wanted to be in his bed. Alone. At least, he thought he did. He closed his eyes and sighed again.

"You have to take some responsibility for it," Renji said, and Shuuhei didn't bother opening his eyes. He could hear the tone of voice, knew exactly what he meant by it.

Before he had a chance to respond, Shuuhei felt a rush of air nearby. He opened his eyes just a split second before he felt a mouth on his, and a tongue slipped between his lips to invade his mouth. He didn't have time to react, and although his mind was screaming at him to get away, his body was doing the opposite and after a few moments, he gave up fighting. Shuuhei reached up with both hands, grabbed a fistful of long, red hair and pulled Renji's head back slightly as he gained control, forcing his own tongue into the waiting mouth, spurred on by the noises coming from under his hands. After a few moments, they pulled apart for air, breathing heavily, and they stared at each other.

Renji looked triumphant. "I reckoned you'd beat me down for that," he said, amused. Shuuhei looked at him curiously.

"Really?" was all he said, still a little dazed himself, and he got a nod in return.

Suddenly, there was a noise at the doorway and Renji instinctively flattened himself against Shuuhei, and they both hid in the shadows of the building.

"Where the hell did he get to?"

Renji recognized his friend's voice, slightly slurred, and his eyes widened. Looking back at Shuuhei, he shook his head slightly, and Shuuhei was more than happy to keep quiet – having people find him in the shadows with a first-year wasn't high on his list of things to do.

"Ah, leave it - he's probably passed out somewhere. Or gone to chase some girl back to the dorm," another voice said. A peal of laughter ensued and Shuuhei found it hard to stop from laughing at the look of horror on Renji's face at the statement. The group of students made their way off towards the dorms, laughing and shouting at each other. As they moved out of earshot, Renji visibly relaxed.

"Not interested in saké or women?" Shuuhei asked, reflecting their conversation of the previous night, his face perfectly serious although the question certainly wasn't.

Renji's eyes went wide. "I, uhh… no senpai, umm, I mean…" Renji stopped, his face flushed red. Shuuhei laughed, unexpectedly, even taking himself by surprise.

"You are a fool, Abarai." Shuuhei said, good-naturedly, a little of his confidence returning. "Come on, I suppose I won't get rid of you this evening, will I? I was thinking of taking a walk to the lake…" he left the invitation open as he made his way to the path leading down to the water. Renji stepped in beside him, as expected and they walked the trail together.

The air was cool by the water's edge, the breeze coming in across the lake and the moon was full, reflected in the water so that it seemed even brighter. Shuuhei sat down by the edge, picked up a large, flat pebble and, after weighing it in his hand a few times, threw it out over the lake. It skimmed over the water five times before sinking out of sight.

Renji frowned as he stood by the lake. "I've never been able to do that," he complained. Shuuhei looked up and smiled.

"Definitely a useful life skill," he said, good-naturedly.

Renji sat down, close enough that their knees were almost touching. Shuuhei instinctively went to flinch away, and then forced himself not to. They sat in silence for a while, each caught up in their own private world.

Shuuhei looked over to the lake again, finding serenity in its calmness. "You realize I'll only be here another couple of months?" he said, suddenly. The final year students had a month of classes left, then another few weeks of exams and then – hopefully – they would graduate and leave the academy.

Renji shrugged. "So?" Suddenly, he looked up, as though something behind Shuuhei had caught his attention, and then he lay down onto his back. He stretched noisily, and then put his hands behind his head as he looked up at the night sky with a strange look on his face. Shuuhei blinked then lay down himself, staring up at the darkness. They rested in silence for a few minutes, and then Renji spoke.

"I've always been attracted to those stronger than me. Power is attractive. I can't help it – I want to either fight or fuck those stronger than me. Sometimes I'll do both," he turned his head slightly and shot a grin at Shuuhei who just rolled his eyes in response. Renji carried on, looking back up at the sky. "I used to go with the leader of our gang back in Rukongai – before I even thought about coming here – and it seemed only natural to want to be with the strongest, fastest member of our group. Seems it hasn't quite left me."

Shuuhei looked at the kid beside him in surprise. That was the most personal thing he'd heard Renji say, and he thought there was a compliment in there somewhere. "You think I'm strong?" Shuuhei said, honestly surprised.

"Of course," Renji said, as he sat upright again and looked sideways. "I'll never forget that day… Don't say this to anyone – if you do I'll deny it – but when it all kicked off, I was ready to follow your order and get the hell outta there… but Hinamori said something, and I as looked up I saw you face that Hollow with a look of such determination on your face…" Renji trailed off then grinned self-consciously. "I've probably said too much again, haven't I? Always been better at fighting than talking."

Shuuhei looked up and smiled in return, then sighed as he looked up into the clear night sky. "Come on, we'd better be getting back. It's late and I actually have things to do tomorrow. And you're meant to be practicing!" he jabbed a finger in the air towards Renji, who scowled in return.

"You are so unfair, Senpai," he complained theatrically, rolling his eyes for greater effect. "Come on then." Renji got to his feet and started trying to sort out his hair, which had become tangled and messy from lying on the ground. He moved to tie his hair back up, when he felt fingers wrap around his wrist.

"Leave it down," Shuuhei said, the ghost of a smile on his lips, and he was amused to see that Renji blushed faintly at his words, before turning away and muttering to himself as they set off down the path back to the dorms.

…

"Hey!"

Renji turned round at the shout behind him, and saw Izuru running towards him, a smile on his face.

"Hey," Renji said, good-naturedly, as he made to trip his friend up. Izuru sidestepped out of the way at the last moment, gracefully.

"I'd have to get up late in the day for that to trick me, Abarai!" and he laughed at the mock scowl on Renji's face. "Hey, you were pretty good in class today. You started your classes?" Izuru asked, curiously.

Renji nodded. He hadn't told many people about his extra tuition, not wanting to announce his weakness to his fellow students, but he had told Izuru – and Hinamori, obviously – as they would be the ones who would most notice him gone from their private time. "Yeah, I've been having a few lessons with Hisagi-senpai recently. He reckons I've improved too," he said with no disguising his sense of accomplishment. Then he let out a sigh, "I'll still never be great though."

Izuru shrugged. "Such is life. I will never be able to beat you in combat of any kind…" he grinned, "but I suppose I could just kidō my way out of it!" He laughed as Renji punched him gently, then he grew more serious. "Umm, Renji, I know it's probably none of my business, but… I've noticed you've not come back to the dorms a few night's lately. Is everything ok? You're not doing anything stupid are you? If you get caught in the girl's dorms there'll be hell to pay…"

"I won't be," Renji said, irritated. He had known his absence would've have gone unnoticed, though at least it was his friend asking him about it rather than one of his other classmates – or the dorm leader.

"You say that man, but I've heard the head girl of the dorms is scary – I'm not sure you'd survive that!" Izuru shuddered for effect, and Renji laughed, shaking his head.

He paused for a moment. Surely, he could trust his best friend with what was going on. He shrugged. "I'm not gonna get caught at the girls dorm because I'm not going to the girls dorm," he said, plainly, and watched for a reaction.

It took a while for what Renji said to sink in, and when it did, his eyebrows shot up so quickly Renji couldn't help laughing.

"You… you're going _where_?" Izuru said in a hushed whisper. "Doing what? With who? Actually," he stopped, "I'm not sure I want to know." He paused a few moments, and then grinned. "What am I saying? Of course I want to know!"

"You're not shocked then? Not going to disown me or something?" Renji asked, in all seriousness - he'd had worse for less and he tried not to let it bother him, though if Izuru did take offence at it he would've been upset. Though he wouldn't have let it show.

"Shocked, kinda… disown you? Nah, sorry." Izuru looked up and smiled. "Take more than that to surprise me enough for that, Renji! You never have been happy to be just like the rest of us."

"Normal is boring," Renji declared, loudly as they started walking and found themselves in the central courtyard of the campus. As they took the path to cross to the other side, Izuru stopped dead, a look of disbelief on his face.

"Hang on! That means...?" he started, and Renji just grinned.

"Yup. I've seen a senior's room."

…

The next few days passed in a bit of a blur for Shuuhei. Studying, mentoring and generally preparing for upcoming exams seemed to take more time from his day than he thought was physically possible. He woke early each morning, and collapsed into bed late each evening, asleep before his head even hit the mattress. He attempted to keep himself sane by the reasoning that it wouldn't last forever, and after the finals, he would be free to take up his position in the court guard squads, as had been promised. He was under no delusion though – the work expected of him when he graduated would make these years seem like a child's playtime, but he was a dedicated and accomplished student and he was sure he would be able to undertake anything expected of him in his new division.

It was the end of another long day towards the end of the week, and Shuuhei was lying on his futon, hands behind his head and staring blankly at the ceiling, grateful for the peace and quiet, when he heard a knock at the door. Sighing inwardly, he considered leaving it, then felt guilty – if it was one of his fellow students after some help on something, he would feel bad about letting them down.

"One minute!" he shouted, gruffly, as he got to his feel, straightening the kimono he was wearing so that he was suited to receive visitors. Running his fingers through his hair, he crossed the floor and opened the door. "What can I… Renji?!"

"Nice greeting there," Renji said, a lopsided grin on his face. "Good to see you too."

"Uh, that's not what I mean, I, uhh…" Shuuhei stammered, as he looked out. "How did you get up here?" he asked, confused. Usually only those living on each of the floors were allowed to enter.

Renji shrugged. "Your classmates are very accommodating. Seems they're worried that you don't have enough friends… when I said I was visiting you I got let in no problem!"

Shuuhei groaned inwardly – he'd have to deal with the resultant fallout tomorrow, but that was for then. He looked back at the young student on his doorstep. "Uh, why are you here? Not that you're not welcome, but…"

"Really?" Renji raised an eyebrow. "Anyway. What day is it?"

"Day?" Shuuhei thought for a moment, and then closed his eyes as he suddenly realized and swore.

Renji laughed. "Yeah, thought you'd forgotten about our classes," he grinned as he leant against the doorframe. "Not that I really care all that much, but Yamazaki-sensei is wondering why I still can't hit the kidō courtyard walls regularly, let alone the targets…" he trailed off, a look of frustration starting to cloud his face.

Against his better judgment, Shuuhei sighed and opened the door further. "Come on in. I don't have anything planned for this evening; the least I can do is make it up to you however I can." He turned and walked towards the corner of the room, where he poured some tea from a small pot into each of the two mugs on the small table. He heard Renji come in behind him and close the door before moving over to the futon.

"Here," Shuuhei handed one of the mugs to the redhead now making himself comfortable on his bed. As he looked down, an image flashed into his mind, of Renji laying on it, spread open wide, hair loose and fanning out against the whiteness of the mattress…

"Senp… I mean, Shuuhei?" Renji's voice was low and hesitant, interrupting the other's thoughts.

Shuuhei looked up, and felt a flush creep across his face, embarrassment making him unable to catch Renji's eyes as he spoke. "Uh, it's nothing. Have some more tea!" he said, over-enthusiastically, as he re-filled both mugs and all but drained his in one go, ignoring the looks coming from his friend. "So, how goes the rest of your classes?" he asked, trying to distract himself.

Renji smiled. "Got top of the year for combat stats, again!" He almost glowed with pride. "History class is boring, but just about bearable… and the rest, well…" he trailed off and shrugged. "Bet you ace every class," he said with a grin.

"Not every one," Shuuhei said, lying. He'd come to know realize long ago that people seemed to be put off by someone who naturally did well in things. He'd even tried failing a few classes, once, but felt too guilty to continue doing so. He had too much pride, which was both one of his greatest assets and biggest flaws.

Suddenly, his train of thought was interrupted, and he looked up to see that Renji had moved from sitting beside him to in front, where he was now kneeling at his feet looking up at him with curious eyes. Shuuhei bit his bottom lip, aware of how thin the material of his kimono was and how much other parts of him appreciated the view in front of him.

Renji rested his elbows on Shuuhei's thighs, bringing himself up onto his knees so that their eyes were almost level. They stared at each other for a moment, before the older student broke the contact.

"Why are you doing this?" he asked, in a soft voice as he looked down. "Surely you can't want me this much?"

"No offence, senpai, but how do you know what I want?" he looked up and grinned. "Live for the moment, and all that. When was the last time you did something spontaneous?"

Shuuhei looked back at him and frowned slightly. "Spontaneity can lead to mistakes and misunderstandings," he said, though he swallowed uncomfortably as he did so, his breath caught in his throat as he saw the look on Renji's face.

"But life is about learning from your mistakes, right?" Renji counter-argued with a sly look in his eyes. "Who knows what might happen tomorrow," his voice dropped. "That day reaffirmed it for me," he said, determinedly, as he leant forwards.

Shuuhei hesitated, a thousand things racing through his mind. He'd managed to avoid any emotional attachments so far at the Academy, save for a small group of close friends, fending off advancements and propositions in his first year so much so that it seemed that no one ever really tried again, which made things a lot easier but undeniably less fun. He had spent so much time on his commitments that he had forgotten who he was – and what he wanted.

Surprising even himself, Shuuhei suddenly reached out with both hands, wrapped his fingers around Renji's hair and pulled their mouths together in something that was less of a kiss and more an outlet of desperation. He let out a moan into Renji, which was swallowed hungrily, and they both fell back onto the bed.

Without thinking, without even pausing to consider the outcome, he let himself go for the first time in what felt like forever. Time passed in a blur of hands and tongues and teeth, grasping and biting and desperate for air. From afar, it might have seemed as though they were fighting, and eventually they paused – Shuuhei laid out beneath, panting and looking up at Renji who straddled his legs, looking at him with darkened eyes.

Renji reached down to part the material of Shuuhei's kimono, the material falling away as he loosened the obi. Shuuhei had to almost force himself not to tense up, an instinctive reaction to the way he had been living over the past few years. Idly he wondered if he had made a mistake of closing himself off from people so much, but a hand wrapping around him and squeezing gently interrupted his train of thought.

"Got your attention!" Renji looked down and grinned, his wild red hair now loose and falling over broad shoulders.

Shuuhei frowned and Renji responded by moving his hand slowly up and down, sliding his thumb over the sensitive head which made Shuuhei suck in a breath and tilt his head back, eyes closed. It had been far too long since he had been with anyone else, and he still felt self-conscious but _god_, that felt good. Another few strokes and his feet found purchase on the floor beneath him, and he used that to push against and arch up into Renji's hand, his eyes still closed.

"Fuck," Renji swore under his breath, and his movements slowed. Shuuhei opened his eyes enough to look up and see dark eyes staring back at him, their gaze making him feel awkward.

"Look, I-," he started, making to sit up, and then stopped as Renji started again, each stroke getting harder and faster than before. Shuuhei gave in, fell back against the mattress and closed his eyes again, losing himself in the sensation, using the purchase of his feet on the floor to tilt his hips up to gain more friction. He thought he heard a noise, and then realized it was coming from himself; short, desperate gasps for breath intermingled with soft moans when it hit _just right_. He felt ashamed and embarrassed, his face flushed and hot, but was unable to stop himself from needing more… wanting more.

He felt Renji hesitate for a second, and flung out an arm to rummage beside the bed. He grasped a small bottle and all but threw it to Renji, who caught it in one hand.

"Are you sure?" Renji asked, as he looked down at the man beneath him.

Shuuhei just looked up, his face flushed and his forehead beaded with sweat. "Yes," was all he managed to get out, and he would have been embarrassed with the tone of his voice if he weren't so desperate for more. He barely recognized himself like this – submissive and open and _needy_ - and if he had been able to think clearly, he would have felt embarrassed.

Renji swore in response as he coated himself in the oil, his face showing the effort it took not to bring himself off there and then. He reached out with one hand and began to massage Shuuhei, the muscle slowly relaxing and letting him slip one finger inside, then two. He felt Shuuhei shudder underneath him as he hit the most sensitive spot, pressing against it then sliding his finger over it gently.

"More…" Shuuhei gasped, his hips thrusting upwards from the bed to take in more of Renji's fingers, who responded by sliding in another, then another. He shuddered and moaned as every movement added to the frantic need for release that he hadn't had in so long. Suddenly, he felt Renji withdraw, and he moaned at the loss of sensation, but didn't have time to say anything before the fingers were replaced.

"Tell me if it hurts," Renji said, as he slid in gently, slowly, as Shuuhei gasped and moaned underneath him, hands grasping at the sheets in balled fists. Renji let off a string of curses as he buried his entire length into Shuuhei, and he stopped as he did so, sweating and panting heavily, his body shaking from the effort of holding back. He looked down to see Shuuhei staring back at him, his eyes heavy-lidded and wild. "I'm sorry, senpai… I can't hold on much longer," he admitted, breathlessly.

"Do it," Shuuhei said, quietly, and closed his eyes tightly as Renji withdrew almost completely then thrust back in, and as he found his rhythm, he reached out and grasped Shuuhei, who thrust his hips up sharply to find friction in Renji's hand.

Renji was more than happy to oblige, and it wasn't long until he felt the familiar sensation inside of him, like the beginning of a storm on a summer's day; hot and dark and wild. As he started to come, he felt Shuuhei underneath him, his body shuddering underneath him before he heard a muffled cry and he felt hot and wet on his fingers. He gave one last thrust and it was all he needed to break through, and the storm was let loose, washing through and out of him in waves, leaving him elated and exhausted. He fell back onto the bed beside Shuuhei, his breathing heavy as he stared up at the ceiling of the small room with a look of guilt and worry on his face.

"Umm," Renji started, unsure of what he was actually about to say but wanting to say it anyway but he wasn't given the chance.

"Renji, if you're going to apologize, please don't." His words came out awkwardly, as he tried to catch his breath, breathing deeply then letting the air out slowly, quietly. He laughed softly as he saw the younger student turn to look at him, surprise on his face. "The decisions we take are those done by ourselves. I try to regret nothing," he said, with a small smile.

"Hmm," Renji said, as his head fell back against the mattress, and he looked out the window. "It's getting late," he said as he noticed how dark it was outside, and fidgeted awkwardly.

Shuuhei sighed theatrically. "I'm not going to kick you out this late, Renji, don't worry. I don't have class first thing tomorrow but I'll make sure you're up and out in time for yours," he glanced over and smiled as he stood to go clean up.

"I'm not useless in _every_ class!" he shot back, which made Shuuhei laugh as he left the room.

When he came back a few moments later, he heard soft snoring coming from the mattress. Smiling to himself, he climbed under the covers.

"Goodnight, Renji," he said softly, not expecting to be heard.

"'Night," Renji replied, sleepily, as he rolled onto his side and wrapped his long frame around Shuuhei, who sighed softly with resignation.


	3. Chapter 3

"Hisagi!"

Shuuhei jumped and looked up from his book as someone shouted his name across the courtyard he was taking his lunch in, a look of guilt flashing across his face before he regained control, a look of vague disinterest on his face, betrayed only by his faster-than-usual pulse that he hoped no-one would notice.

"Kenchin." Shuuhei nodded in his friends' direction and went to turn away, not sure of his destination but not wanting to talk to anyone. Sadly, he didn't have much of a choice in the matter as he saw his friend break into a jog towards him.

"Yo, Shuu," Kenchin said, and Shuuhei winced at the nickname. "Heh, sorry!"

Shuuhei scowled slightly. "What's up, anyways? Aren't you meant to be studying or something for exams next week?" he laughed as his words brought about a grumble.

"Man, you are such a spoilsport! Anyway, I have something much more fun to discuss… I see you had a visitor last night!" Kenchin looked sideways, a gleam in his eyes.

Shuuhei instinctively flushed bright red, and cursed himself inwardly. He'd never been good at hiding his embarrassment and this was his closest friend, but well, this was different. Wasn't it?

"It's ok, I haven't told anyone. Its just I was up early to practice some forms before class and I saw him leave… First-year, right?" he didn't wait for Shuuhei to confirm – he'd seen the kid round and about the academy… mostly heard him, really. Loudly. He looked over to his friend, who was by now blushing furiously and staring at the ground intently. "Hey, you shouldn't be embarrassed! What's wrong with having some fun? It's about time you did."

"Huh?" Shuuhei said, looked up confused, and Kenchin laughed.

"There's just more to life than classes and academic achievement. It's time you found that out, Hisagi!" Kenchin gave him a look that bordered on a leer.

Shuuhei looked up at his friend and scowled. "My private life is a topic of conversation with you guys?" He was not too happy to find out that people were talking about him behind his back; especially by the small number of people he actually called friends.

Kenchin rolled his eyes. "Not in that way, man. C'mon, give us some credit! It's just nice to see you having fun. Though by the looks of that guy you might have bitten off more than you can chew…" he glanced over to his friend and grinned, and got a sigh in return.

"If we've stopped dissecting my personal life, shall we get to class?" Shuuhei asked dryly, looking back to the main building where students were starting to gather for the next lesson.

"Yeah, should do, really. Not that I'm in any hurry… if I don't know it now, I never will!" Kenchin said with a shrug as he hiked his book bag onto his shoulder.

It was Shuuhei's turn to laugh. "And that is why I consistently beat you in every subject, my friend!" and he set off towards the building, ignoring the frown on his friend's face behind him.

…

It was late by the time Renji made it to the sixth form dorms. Luckily, no one was around and he was pleased to see that he was able to reach the top floor unchallenged. He knocked on the door and entered as soon as he heard the welcome shouted to him from inside.

"Come in," Shuuhei called, and Renji grinned as he stepped into the room, closing the door behind him. He made his way to the futon and sat down, something that seemed so strangely familiar to him now and he looked up.

"Umm, Shuuhei, I…" Renji began as he lay down on the futon, looking over at his friend sitting at the edge of the mattress sorting out a pile of papers. "I never asked before, but… your tattoo…" he left the question unsaid, but it was something that had been intriguing him since he first saw the older student. Renji had wanted to ask the questions ever since first meeting, but hadn't felt comfortable asking until now. He also knew that there was no way he'd have been told the truth about it until now, too – if he was even going to have it now.

Shuuhei paused, his hands stopping in their tracks, and he placed the papers down on the floor, out of the way, in case they were damaged. He looked over to Renji and then lay down himself, and he stared up at the ceiling. He was quiet for a few moments, and then spoke.

"A long time ago, I met someone who I admired a lot. I learnt a lot from him but, most importantly, he saved my life. It was that incident that made me decided to come here."

Renji blinked. "Saved your life?" he asked as he risked a glance sideways. Shuuhei was staring up at the ceiling, a strange look on his face as he spoke.

"Yeah. When I was young, I was out with friends and we… we were attacked by Hollow." He paused and closed his eyes. "Seems I'm good for that," he said, a bitter edge to his voice as he carried on. "Anyway, we were saved by a shinigami who had been out with his division." He gave a snort as he remembered. "I'm not sure who I was more scared of at first – the Hollow or him. He was kinda… intense. But that evening I remember thinking about what had happened, and I made my decision to come here". He reached up to touch the **69** tattooed on his cheek. "He had the same one on his chest. It reminds me of why I'm here."

Renji lay next to Shuuhei, a scowl on his face as he thought back to the incident earlier that year with the Hollow in the real world. He remembered how he had felt the moment that…_ thing_ turned up, and he realized that all his talk just before they had been attacked was just that - talk. The first real Hollow he faced and he had been ready to turn tail and run, only pushed into action by his friends. He sighed and turned away, and Shuuhei took it as a chance to carry on his work. He thought Renji had actually fallen asleep before he heard him speak.

"I'm not getting a number though!"

…

Shuuhei waited behind Renji until the last fiery-red flame had shot from Renji's hand and obliterated the target at the other end of the practice yard. He laughed at the younger student's obvious pride at firing off half a dozen shots, one after the other, all of which hit the target to some degree. It felt good seeing someone improve so much under his tuition, and he felt content. Suddenly, he remembered what he needed to say today, and his face fell.

"Hey, what's up?" Renji asked, frowning as he saw the look on the Shuuhei's face. Instinctively, he wondered if he had done something wrong, but he couldn't think of anything that might cause this reaction. He dropped the bag he had picked up only a moment ago, and walked over to where Shuuhei was standing, underneath a small overhang on the wall, looking down at the floor of the yard. He leant against the wall next to the older student, looked down at the figure slouched beside him and sighed.

"Ok, what is it? What have I done? Or not done?" Renji said, plainly, his eyebrows raised questioningly. "I thought I was doing ok, but something's pissed you off."

Shuuhei looked up, surprised, and then smiled wryly. "Oh, for once, it's not you," and he laughed softly at the look Renji gave him. "It's just… well, this is going to be our last practice session."

"Huh?" Renji said, confused. "I mean, I know I've improved a lot – and I have – but, well, I'm not exactly a master. I'm not even caught up with the other students in my class." His head dropped in frustration, his hands curling up into fists again, remembering the frustration of the last kidō class. He wasn't used to being last in ianything/i_._

"You have improved, Renji - don't let anyone tell you otherwise! And we can't all be good at everything. No, the reason is all me, I'm afraid – it's the last two weeks of term now, and my finals are coming up. I can't afford the time away from it, so this will be our last session. I've already spoken to Yamazaki-sensei and he agrees that it's the best solution." He looked at Renji and felt a strange sense of loss at what he said. He had been looking forward to getting out of the Academy and into the court guard squads for so long, and now it was in sight, he felt a reluctance to let go.

Renji sighed as he let his head fall back against the wall. "Sucks," he said, affecting his usual air of indifference, but this time it was tinged with a note of frustration. He looked sideways through narrowed eyes. "Don't think you're getting outta here without seeing me again though!" he grinned and Shuuhei rolls his eyes in mock annoyance.

"Can't get rid of you, can I?" Shuuhei said with a small smile as he pushed himself off from the wall and opened the door to the outside, yawning gently as he stepped through and off towards the dorms.

"Nah," Renji shouted after him as the grin on his face faded as he watched his erstwhile teacher leave. Finding himself alone in the practice yard, he looked up at the low afternoon sun, squinted and sighed.

"All good things come to an end," he muttered to himself, as he picked up his bag again and left, a determined look on his face as he made his way back to his own room.

…

When the weekend finally came, Shuuhei was amazed he could still walk and talk with any degree of sanity. The exams had been exhausting, and he had still kept up his mentoring sessions with his fellow classmates – a fact he felt guilty for hiding from Renji when he cancelled their training sessions – and the addition of his own study had left him with little spare time.

His final practical exam of his year was, ironically, kidō. As skilled as he was, his teachers expected nothing but the best from him – as he did himself. However, during the course of the exam he had begun to find himself distracted, the tasks and questions making him think of Renji, of their classes and more, and he had been so distracted thinking about the redhead that it affected his final score. The performance he had given was below what had been expected – not well below, but enough that it was noticeable and he noted the look of concern and worry on the faces of those around him at his sub-par presentation, which made him embarrassed and angry with himself. He just about made it away from the practice yard and to the dorms before losing it.

_Stupid__,_ he thought to himself as he ran up the stairs to his room, and slammed the door behind him. He threw his bag across the room, not caring if any of the contents broke or spilled, and crawled onto his futon, still in his uniform, and lay there, staring at the ceiling, feeling an anger rise inside of him that he hadn't felt in many years.

He had been so stupid, these past few weeks. What had been the point in managing to distance himself from everyone all these years if he blew it all in the last month? No, he had no excuses – he had been foolish and reckless and selfish, and had dragged Renji into it as well. He'd lead the kid on knowing that he was leaving soon, and although he had mentioned it before, he knew he hadn't pressed the point.

_Because you didn't want to__,_ a small voice said in the back of his head. Shuuhei grabbed a small cushion from beside the bed and threw it across the room in frustration. It hit a jar, which fell to the table with a smash and he swore. The jar had been a present from a friend, many years ago, and breaking it only served to make Shuuhei's mood worse. As he lay in the darkness, waiting for sleep to come, he made a promise with himself.

He wouldn't let himself see Abarai Renji again.


	4. Chapter 4

It was the penultimate day for sixth-year students at the Academy. All the exams were finished, the last practical undertaken, the last words written, and just one more night stood in the way of the graduation ceremony. At last, Hisagi Shuuhei was getting out. He couldn't wait.

Due to his exam timetable, Shuuhei had managed to avoid all contact with any students from other years, including Renji. He allowed himself a small sigh of relief as he walked across the main courtyard in the afternoon sun, nodding to a few of his classmates on the way, and he mentally ran through the list of things he was going to do that night, the top one being sleep. As he approached the pathway to the senior dorms, he froze as he heard someone call out his name. He blinked, and closed his eyes. Not now, not when he'd got so far…

"Hey!" Renji called again, and Shuuhei couldn't help but turn around. If he ignored Renji in front of all his classmates, it would look even more suspicious than if he just took it in his stride. All he needed to do was get them away somewhere more private and then he could deal with it. It shouldn't be too hard.

Renji broke into a jog and caught up with Shuuhei, who was already looking round for avenues of escape. He had a look of concern on his face, and Shuuhei groaned inwardly. This was going wrong already.

"Is everything ok? I haven't seen or heard from you? I thought-."

"I'm fine," snapped Shuuhei, then inhaled sharply and let it out slowly. "I mean, I'm ok. I've just been busy. It's my last day tomorrow and I've been working myself into the ground with stuff. But I'm fine."

He got a pair of narrowed eyes looking back at him. "You look like hell," Renji offered.

Shuuhei glared back. "Thanks for the compliment."

"So, you free tonight?" Renji asked, casually, though Shuuhei could almost feel the tension radiating from the younger student, never mind the fidgeting the Renji always did when he was nervous. Shuuhei sighed inwardly and looked up.

"Actually, I'm kinda busy tonight. I'm going out with my classmates to celebrate end of year," he said, a final tone in his voice.

"So I can come by later, I don't mind," Renji said, giving a small shrug. "We have a late review class tomorrow, so we can lie in." He grinned.

"It'll be too late by then. I need some sleep before the ceremony tomorrow." Shuuhei said, shaking his head and hoping that he sounded more confident to Renji than he felt. In fact, he sounded like a monumental ass to himself, but it was for his own sake – and Renji's, he reminded himself. The kid didn't need someone like him around.

Renji's face fell, and Shuuhei almost gave in. Then he remembered that this was why he never got involved with anyone, because it invariably lead to unnecessary hassle - like this. He took a deep breath and carried on.

"Look, I'm sorry, but this is just how it is. You knew I was leaving soon, and you were fine with it. It's not like it was anything serious…"

In hindsight, if he had managed to get more sleep the preceding week, Shuuhei would never have said it, but the exhaustion, frustration, and anger that had been building up inside of him had reached it's limit, and the words were out of his mouth before he could even think.

He stared open-mouthed at Renji, whose face had changed to almost the same color as his bright-red hair. His eyes had narrowed to slits, and Shuuhei was under no mistake that, if looks could kill, he would've been dead before he hit the pavement.

"Fine," the words came out low and dangerous. Shuuhei could almost feel the anger radiating from Renji, who was still staring at him as though he could vaporize the sixth former on the spot. Shuuhei swallowed nervously, and tried to speak.

"Look Renji, I'm sorry, I didn't-." He didn't get to finish.

"Fine, I get it. It was all just a game for you, yeah? " Renji glared defiantly at Shuuhei, who was stunned into silence at the accusation. "So what - is this something you do regularly, huh? Well, whatever. See you around – or not." Renji turned and started striding away, ignoring the calls behind him.

Shuuhei watched, feeling helpless as Renji sprinted away from him, and it took him a while to realize that they had had an audience. Half of his classmates had witnessed their exchange and it was the final straw. Swearing loudly to himself, Shuuhei threw the bag he was carrying into the bushes surrounding the courtyard and took off towards the dorms, ignoring the calls from his friends behind him as the door to his room came in sight. He all but flew up the stairs, taking them two at a time, and as he got to his room, he swung the door open and let it swing shut behind him with a crash. Shuuhei made his way across the room and threw himself down onto his futon with a groan as he brought his hands up to his face. Everything had gone so completely wrong. How the hell had he managed to screw it up so badly? He had only been thinking of what would be best for them both, but now he had insulted Renji and made himself feel like the world's biggest bastard.

_Way to go, Hisagi__,_ he thought to himself, and he rolled over on his side and closed his eyes, wondering how he'd managed to get into the situation.

…

Izuru looked up in shock as the door to their room flew open and Renji burst in with a look of thunder on his face.

"Whoa!" Izuru said, as he shrank back from the waves of anger he could feel coming from his friend. "What did you get into this time?"

Renji turned round to him and scowled. "Why the hell is it always meant to be _my_ fault? Why am I always the one to blame, huh? Why can't I be the other party once in a while?" He stood glaring at his friend.

Izuru blinked, open mouthed, and the pause helped Renji gain a thread of control. He sighed loudly as he reached up to untie his hair from his ponytail and let it fall down loose round his shoulders. He gave his head a shake, wild red hair flying everywhere, and sat down heavily on the bed next to his roommate.

"Sucks," was all Renji said as he set about taking his footwear off in the angriest manner Izuru had seen before, who was glad, not for the first time, that he was Renji's friend rather than an enemy.

He didn't really have to ask who the cause of the outburst was, but he was dying to find out what happened, but Izuru prided himself on being a good friend, so he pushed that question down into the back of his mind for a bit – there'd be time later for that.

"So," he started, warily. "I can guess that you won't be at the ceremony tomorrow then?"

The last day of term was a day off from lessons for all – when the sixth formers had their graduation ceremony, and the rest of the academy was required to turn up to watch. The reason for this was to instill pride and ambition in the younger students, but most of them saw it as a chance to skive off and do something else instead.

Renji narrowed his eyes. "Oh no, I'll be there," he said, sharply, as he stared at the wall in front of him.

Izuru sighed. "You're not going to do anything stupid, are you?" and he realized a little too late what he'd said.

"I am not going to do anything," Renji said, and with that, he stood up, crossed the room to his own futon, and lay down, his back to his friend, cutting off the conversation. He didn't see the look Izuru gave him, eyes rolling towards the ceiling and a small shake of the head.

"You joining us later then?" Izuru stood up and grabbed a bag close by, and turned to Renji who still hadn't moved. When he got no reply, he shrugged. "Ah well, your loss! See you later," and he left the room, letting the door to close loudly behind him.

Renji sighed then rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. In a fit of frustration, he grabbed one of his sandals and threw it at the wall, letting it rebound off and come to a rest not too far from him. It actually made him feel a little better, so he did it again, and again, until it bounced from the wall at an odd angle and smashed into one of Izuru's saké cups. Swearing loudly, he picked up the shattered pieces of the cup and mentally prepared an apology to his friend as he lay back down on the mattress and, to his surprise, fell asleep.

The sun was just a little too strong as the graduating class walked out onto the platform that had been set up in the rear yard of the academy. Below them, thousands of other students stood in rows to watch the ceremony. Shuuhei remembered all the years he had looked forward to this moment – now, he wasn't entirely sure.

He squinted out into the crowd, trying to shield his eyes and get a better look at the people below, but he couldn't see Renji anywhere. The kid wasn't hard to miss, after all, especially in the sun – but there was no flash of bright red hair anywhere, and Shuuhei sighed as he realized that he was disappointed. He was looking forward to this all being over now – he had decided that he was going to sleep from the moment he got back from this pompous ancient rite-of-passage to the day he started in his new role in the court guard squads. As he stood on the platform, under the blazing sun, he closed his eyes and let himself be distracted by his thoughts.

…

Renji had found a good vantage point. A tall tree to the west of the yard gave him a good view of the yard, and especially the stage, but the foliage gave him enough cover that his hair wouldn't give him away. The one thing Renji really was bad at was blending into a crowd. Usually, it was to his advantage, but today he didn't want to be seen.

He looked down onto the stage and watched the seniors file in, spotting Shuuhei almost immediately. Renji narrowed his eyes as he watched him glance around, as if looking for something, and he bit his bottom lip in thought as he watched Shuuhei give up, obviously disappointed that he had not found what he was looking for.

Renji sat up in the tree for the entire ceremony, using his position to scout out other people – seeing Izuru standing on his own with a group of people he didn't recognize. He felt a twinge of guilt at leaving his friend alone, but resolved to make up for it later. This was something he had to do.

As he watched the speeches, and the handing out of awards – of which Shuuhei received seven out of twelve in the year – Renji added another name to the list he kept in his head. The list of people he would work hard to grow stronger than and overcome.

…

As the ceremony ended, the now ex-students cheered and shouted and left the stage in a much less orderly fashion that in which they arrived. Fielding compliments and friendly insults with his classmates, Shuuhei brushed off all invitations to go out afterwards, and instead managed to extricate himself from the crowd and make his way back to his room unhindered.

As the door slid shut behind him, he sighed with relief as he lay down on the futon and closed his eyes. His time at the academy hadn't exactly ended the way he expected it to, and he wished he could rewind a couple of weeks and try again. He hated the way he had behaved, and hated what he had said – but it was done now, and there was no way to fix it. Yet.

Shuuhei rolled over onto his side and stared out the window at the bright blue sky. He hadn't meant for any of this to happen, hadn't meant to get involved with a younger student, and certainly hadn't meant to insult and hurt him. It was too late now, though, he couldn't erase what he had said or done, and the thought made him feel sick. He closed his eyes and sighed, and made a promise to himself.

Maybe he couldn't make up for it now, but he would do, eventually, some day.

...

**EPILOGUE**

Each year, when the new intakes came through, Shuuhei would make sure he wasn't on duty, even going out of his way to swap with someone to work a night shift to ensure he was free on that afternoon when the new recruits were brought in.

He'd sit on a nearby roof or tree and watch them file through, his eyes roaming the crowd for a shock of bright red hair in the sea of people below. When he didn't see it he would retire, alone, to drink by himself and remind himself that he should never forget about the promise he made to make things right.

Then, one year, he saw it. Renji wasn't hard to miss, amongst the dark colors of the rest of the crowd, and Shuuhei allowed himself a small smile. He had known his patience would pay off, and now he had the chance to make right what he had mistakenly destroyed years earlier.

As he watched the crowd, he saw Renji pass close by and stop, looking confused as he turned his head to each side, as if looking for something. Then he looked up, straight at Shuuhei, and their eyes locked.

Renji's eyebrows went up so high they almost ended up in his hair and Shuuhei laughed softly, then even more so at the look the redhead sent him. Shuuhei shook his head, still smiling, and Renji's scowl lessened, though he still looked wary.

Shuuhei nodded towards Renji then flash-stepped away, back to the ninth division headquarters to finish up on some paperwork that had been piling up, pleased that he had a second chance to make right what he had so foolishly almost ruined before.

…


End file.
